10 Things Dogs Can Get Away With That Humans Could Absolutely Never

What is it about dogs? They can do the nastiest things imaginable and yet — because they’re dogs — you just accept it.

“People excuse gross behaviors in dogs because they share a deep emotional bond with them,” says Jessica Plonchak, LCSW and the executive clinical director at Choice Point Health. “From a psychological viewpoint, dogs are not seen as pets with habits, but rather as beloved family members, just like babies. When a baby makes a mess, we usually don't get offended, and the same is true for dogs.”

She adds that we associate positive emotions and unconditional love with our pets, just as we do with kids and that it acts as an “emotional filter” that changes the way we think about what they do. She continues: “This means what normally triggers disgust or anger in another person for wrongdoing is reframed as cute when our pet does the same thing.”

For instance: a human licking your face? “Ew. Immediately washing my face with scalding hot water.”

A dog licking your face? “OMG! I’ve been chosen. What a sweetie!”

“We also tend to think of dogs as innocent beings who act without any bad intention,” says Plonchack, “so their behaviors do not bother us as in the way they would in the case of humans. Instead, we tend to see their behaviors through a lens of innocence, where social expectation has no place.”

Still, it’s fun to think about all the things this allows dogs to get away with that would send a human straight to social outcast territory.

Sniffing a stranger’s butt

When a dog does this, they’re just saying hi. If you don’t like it, you just step away and forget about it a moment later.

If a human did it… well, that’s a whole different situation. It’d be weird, invasive, and absolutely a problem. Remember Ally McBeal? She was a butt sniffer (habitual) and almost got disbarred for it in the first season. Man, that show was weird.

Loud, messy eating

Imagine going on a date with someone who eats like a dog — slurping and slobbering, smacking their chops, sending bits of food and drink flying everywhere. You’d be horrified. You probably wouldn’t make it past the appetizer.

But your dog does it and it’s all: “Who’s a good eater? You are! Yes, you are!”

Eating off the floor is another thing dogs can get away with that humans can’t. Although, who among us hasn’t dropped food and proclaimed, “Five-second rule!” before popping it in our mouths? The weird thing would be if you got down on the floor and licked it up without using your hands. A dog has to eat floor food that way. A human, though, would be making a very specific (and frankly alarming) choice.

Licking their junk

The way dogs go to town on their own downstairs, you’d think their buttholes were made of ice cream. And look, I’m sure most people aren’t sitting there watching their dogs chew their own lipstick thinking, “Aww, that’s nice!” But if the dog walks up a minute later and plants a big wet kiss on their face, they probably think nothing of it.

When it comes to licking their own bits, dogs don’t care where they are or who’s around. If the mood strikes, they will not be stopped. And most people’s response? Just to look away and pretend it isn’t happening.

To be fair, that would probably be my response if I saw a person doing this, too. First, I’d be impressed by their dexterity (and audacity), and then I’d probably just try to pretend it wasn’t happening. But I live in New York City — years of subway rides have desensitized me to sights that would make a Midwestern suburbanite faint. Sometimes, when I see something shocking or offensive, I move to another car, but other times — especially during rush hour, when I’m tired and all the seats are taken — I just put in my earbuds and look the other way.

Walking slow or, worse yet, just stopping in the middle of the sidewalk

As someone who lives in a walking city, nothing takes me from zero to furious faster than a slow walker. If they stop in the middle of the sidewalk or at the top of the subway stairs and look around lazily, there is a part of me that wishes them dead.

But if a dog does it, I think, “Oh! Maybe I can ask to pet her.”

And while I might get mad at a human blocking the sidewalk for any reason, I will completely understand if they’re stopped because they’re interacting with a dog. In fact, I will probably try to join them.

Taking up prime real estate in the bed

If you are a dog parent, you’ve definitely ceded premium bed space t o your pup.

If a human came into your bed, sprawled across your side, and relegated you to a tiny sliver of mattress, you’d kick them out. (Well, maybe not, but you’d at least talk to them about it.) But when a dog does it, you’re like, “Well, I guess this is just how it is now.”

And think about how you’ll take your dog for a walk and then just let them jump into the bed — whereas if a person tried to crawl into your bed in their shoes and street clothes, you’d absolutely freak out.

Also: What is it about dog snoring that’s cute and even soothing, while human snoring is literal torture?

Sneezing in someone’s face

Cute? Not really. But also… kind of? Especially if it’s a small dog and a relatively dry sneeze.

If a person sneezed in your face, though, you’d lose it — and justifiably so. If you got sick after, you might never forgive them. Even if you didn’t, it would forever change the way you saw them.

But a dog? Gross, but whatever.

Watching you go to the bathroom (or staring at you while they go)

They really do love making eye contact at the most uncomfortable moments, don’t they?

Going to the bathroom with your partner in the room isn’t that uncommon, but there’s an unspoken etiquette involved. You can do it (if that’s your thing), but it only works if both people pretend it’s not happening.

Now imagine if your partner insisted on sustained eye contact while one of you was on the toilet. That would be weird. It’s weird when your dog does it, too, but it would be so much weirder coming from a person.

Staring, in general, is weird. If a person does it, you feel uneasy, maybe even threatened. If a dog does it, you’re like, “Oh, does someone want to snuggle?”

Sleeping on a pile of dirty laundry

A human who does this is a total slob, a slattern, a f***boy even! But a dog? That’s just plain adorable. Especially since the clothes they’re rolling in are probably marked with your scent.

A person lounging in their own filth is troubling, but a dog lounging in yours? Absolutely precious. And at least they’re not rolling in actual dirt, which would require a full bath before reentry into the house.

Dry humping

At least… you hope it’s dry.

Humping, in general, is such a dog thing to do. To be clear, it’s not something humans like, and there are definitely reasons to train them to stop. But overall, we excuse it as typical dog behavior. The only humans you can really imagine doing it are hormonal teens who don’t know any better, but there must be adults who engage in this, too.

Wasn’t there a Sex and the City episode about that? If there wasn’t, there definitely should’ve been. I can see it now: Carrie, Miranda, or Charlotte dates a guy who likes to dry hump and the next day at brunch, they all refer to him as “The Humper.” Samantha tells her friend to dump him, and she does, but not before trying to change him.

Eating waste

Whether they’re digging through the trash or snacking on… well, you know… poop — it’s all in a day’s work for many dogs.

And it’s gross, obviously, but you still let them lick you without power-washing their chops first. Because not only is love blind, it also has a very short memory. It has to.

Getting comfortable with gross behavior

Of course, if you do have a problem with any of these behaviors, that’s totally understandable. But if you want you and your dog to have the best relationship possible, it’s going to take some effort to train the behaviors you can — and accept the ones you can’t.

“Acceptance comes from changing your perspective,” Plonchak says. “Instead of focusing on the dog’s gross behaviors, try to understand why those certain behaviors exist. Most of the time, the so-called gross behaviors are very normal and natural in dogs, such as rolling in dirt, sniffing, chewing odd things, or licking, etc. This is their unique way of communicating and exploring their surroundings. So, one needs to reframe their perspective from being offended to being more understanding and compassionate.”

So, the next time your dog does something objectively disgusting or just plain rude, try to remember: It’s not bad manners — it’s just part of their charm. After all, if unconditional love can survive poop breath, it can probably survive anything.