How to Stop Your Cat From Ruining Your Sex Life

I’m on the phone with my friend Nicole, dishing about the new man in my life. “My cats love him,” I say. “Wilbur usually disappears when I have someone over. With this guy, Wilbur not only came out of hiding, he climbed right into his lap.” I pause. “The problem is, Wilbur likes him a little too much. He won’t leave us alone when we’re having sex. Wilbur will jump right up on the bed and tap my boyfriend on the shoulder for pets. It’s very distracting. And if we shut him out of the room, he yowls.”

“Mmm-hmm,” Nicole says. “We have that problem.” (She and her husband have two cats; I have three. If the Bechdel Test was about cats instead of men, we’d never pass.) She explained that while she’s “absolutely fine” with her cats being in the room during sex, her husband insists that they leave. “It’s strange, because he is much more sexually open and free than me. I’m the prude out of the two of us, and also the one who looks at our two cats as my children.” 

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“Do your cats get mad when you kick them out?” I ask.

“Oh yes,” she answers. “There’s scratching and crying, and finally giving up. Much like sleep training our kid, which we both failed miserably at.”

So, how do you handle a cat who’s interrupting spicy time?

We adore our cats — that goes without saying. But especially when their company gets excessive, we do need to figure out a way to keep them from interfering with our sex lives. I reached out to cat behaviorist Stephen Quandt to see whether he had any advice.

“I have listened to endless complaints about pee and poop, and even leg humping, but I have never actually heard a complaint about this situation,” he tells me. “Not that it doesn’t happen, but no one asks me what to do. Maybe it just crosses a line, or more likely, is fairly easy to solve.”

Never one to fear crossing a line, I ask him for his take on cats watching humans get it on. “If the cats watch, then they watch,” he says. “I expect they interpret it as some form of play or grooming. Some people might even discover that the whole thing appears very boring to their cat. Hopefully, that isn’t commentary on the nature of what they’re watching.” 

OK, fair enough. But what about the shoulder tapping while we’re trying to focus on… other things? “If your cat actively bothers you while you’re having a romp, then you may have to gently remove them,” Quandt says. Indeed. And then we’re back to square one, with a cat (or cats) howling and scratching outside the bedroom door. Upsetting for all parties!

Dr. Nita Vasudevan, a veterinary consultant for Embrace Pet Insurance, offers some thoughts on the subject. “Cats are incredibly routine-oriented and territorial animals. When their humans suddenly shut them out of a space they’re normally allowed into, they may become confused, frustrated, or anxious.”

She says that because cats have such finely tuned senses, they easily pick up on any changes in energy or behavior. “If they associate a closed door with their people acting strangely, they may vocalize, paw at the door, or even act out afterward (like scratching or peeing where they shouldn’t).”

She’s on the same page as Quandt when it comes to the harmlessness of letting the cats watch: “Medically or psychologically, there is nothing inherently wrong with your cat being in the room while you’re being intimate, as long as everyone involved is comfortable,” she says. “Cats don’t understand sex the way humans do. They’re more interested in your body heat, your scent.”

In the end, they won’t be happy — in the bedroom or out.

And that brings us back to the shoulder tapping. Listen, I get it. I’m obsessed with my boyfriend’s body heat and scent, too. But I draw the line at letting my cats get in on the action. And anyway, if we do let Wilbur hang around, he yowls to get out! (We have to keep the bedroom door closed to trap the cool air from the window A/C unit during this sweltering New York City summer.)

Dr. Vasudevan says cats getting mad when they’re shut in is classic cat behavior. “They often want to be exactly where they’re not. It’s not always about access to a particular space, but about maintaining control over their environment.”

The solve? Distract them.

So, what to do? Dr. Vasudevan suggests redirecting our cats’ attention. “Give them something engaging before you close the door, like a lick mat, puzzle feeder, or catnip toy.” A sound machine can help too, to mask unusual sounds and help soothe anxious cats. She also says it’s a good idea to get cats used to being on the other side of the door.

“Practice closing the door at random times, not just during intimate moments, so they stop associating it with something unusual or exclusionary,” she says. “Set up a warm perch or hideaway in another room, so they don’t feel like they’re missing out.” Lastly, she suggests playing with your cat before you play with each other. “A vigorous play session with a wand toy before bedtime (or ‘date night’) can burn off excess energy and encourage them to nap.”

As a last-ditch resort, Quandt says I could always install a cat door to the bedroom, so Wilbur can come and go as he pleases. “But if you do install a door, I’d suggest making sure it doesn’t have a line-of-sight view of the bed… just saying.” And if the shoulder tapping doesn’t stop, or if Nicole’s husband still insists on a no-cats-during-adult-playtime policy? “Make sure that the cat door has a lock!” he says, with a chuckle. But seriously.