Playing Favorites: How Cats Choose Their ‘Person’

When I was a kid, we had a semi-feral indoor/outdoor cat named Sophie. I say “we,” but she was really my mom’s cat. My mom was the one who found her and coaxed her into the house with food and water and gentle head scratches. My mom was the one who would let her out when she pawed at the door and cleaned her litter box, though she mostly went to the bathroom outside. 

Sophie would reward my mom by sitting on her lap and sleeping beside her on the bed, and every week or so, she would leave the remnants of a half-eaten mouse or bird on the doormat, which my mom told me were gifts. 

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Sophie liked my dad and sister well enough, too, but she was not a fan of me. And with good reason: I was loud and annoying and more than a little jealous of the relationship she had with my mom. The kids I saw on TV and in films seemed to be their pet’s entire world and I didn’t understand why my family’s pet wasn’t equally enamored of me.

So, for Christmas one year, my mom got me a kitten of my own: Fremont. He was adorable and very sweet, but I was 10 and not a very attentive cat dad, so he, too, soon showed a preference for my mother. I will admit that this hurt my feelings.

It wasn’t until I graduated from college and got my cat Yoshi that I finally became the favorite. He liked my roommates, but he loved me. And since then, I’ve lived alone, so the cats who have come and gone from my life have had no choice but to make me their favorite. Of course, I like to think that they would choose me if they could, but, given how affectionate they are with my guests, I do sometimes wonder.

And I still think about Fremont. And Sophie for that matter. What could I (or my mom) have done to improve our relationships? How and why do cats choose their favorite person? And if you’re not that person how can you honor that choice without getting resentful.

How cats choose their favorites

Not all cats have favorites. “Sometimes this happens, but not always,” says Jennifer Van de Kieft, a feline behavior and nutrition coach at Cat Advocate. “Many homes I see, the cat has a great relationship with multiple people.” That said, she does tend to find that “if one person in the home is the cat’s primary caregiver, meaning they are meeting their physical and emotional needs, the cat often chooses that person over another.”

Of course, a cat’s affections are not always so transactional. “Cats perceive their world primarily through scent and resources,” says Naomi Charlotte Marquardt, feline behavior consultant at The Kitty Shrink. So, on a very basic level, if they seem to prefer one person over another, all things being equal, it could just be that they are gravitating towards the person whose smell they enjoy the most. 

The “why” of it all is harder to pin down, though. “Sometimes, it might just be about the chemistry between the person and the cat,” Van de Kieft says. The same way that you don’t always know why you prefer one person over another, your cat may not really know either. Sometimes, there’s just a vibe, and it doesn’t really matter what the other person does. And just like with humans, doing “less” can actually be more attractive to a cat than doing more.

“Sometimes, someone is trying too hard and maybe annoying the cat so the cat chooses the person who ignores them,” Van de Kieft says. Marquardt agrees: “Sometimes, the cat’s ‘chosen one’ is the person who pays them the least attention... A person who doesn’t immediately try to engage often feels calmer and less overwhelming.”

“Two of our five cats picked my son as their favorite person even though he doesn't feed them,” Van de Kieft says. “It’s possible they just found him the least threatening when he was younger and smaller.”

How to make your cat like you more

So, what should you do to rise in your cat’s esteem? Well, the first and most important step is to meet their needs. “Start by serving their meals,” Marquardt says. “Feeding time is one of the most powerful bonding opportunities because you’re providing the ultimate resource: food.” Make it a food they enjoy and feed it to them on a consistent schedule. Cats thrive on consistency, so feeding them at the same time every day will show them that they can rely on you and help them to relax. 

Establish other routines, too: daily brushing, consistent litter box maintenance, gentle petting when you get home from work or go to bed, and, of course, plenty of playtime.

“Playtime is a great way to bond with your cat,” Van de Kieft says. And if you think you’re already playing with your cat enough, I hate to break it to you, but you probably aren’t. Most people aren’t. Sure, some cats are perfectly happy to do nothing more than sleep all day, but even lazy cats get bored and need stimulation and two or three five-minute play sessions per day with a simple wand toy can make a world of difference in your relationship. Just five minutes! Set a timer if you want. And then watch how your relationship with your cat improves. 

“Clicker training is another great way to bond with your cat,” Van de Kieft says. “Using treats and teaching your cat a trick or two can be not only great stimulation, but really fun and helps with bonding.” 

Treats, in general, are a great way to garner favor with your cat. Think you’re above bribing them? You’re not. Buy that love! Honestly, the price is cheap and well worth it. You won’t spoil them or make them fat. But make sure you tie treats to specific activities. Don’t just toss them out willy-nilly. “Use treats to reward gentle engagement, playtime, or even a ‘trust blink,’” Marquardt says. “Rewarding these moments helps your cat associate you with positive experiences.”

And if, after all this, your cat is still shying away from you, let them. “Let the cat come to you for attention when they’re ready,” Van de Kieft says. “If you are frequently approaching the cat, it may become irritating to them.” If you’re doing the most, try doing less while still offering them the support and consistency they need. They’ll come around. 

Tackling jealousy

Feeling like your cat prefers someone else over you can be painful. “It’s very common to feel hurt or jealous when a beloved pet, like a cat, gives preference to another person, especially when you’re the one who does the care work,” says Jessica Plonchak, a licensed clinical social worker and executive clinical director at Choice Point Health.

“When a cat prefers your partner over you, it can trigger feelings of rejection that reveal your intense emotional needs to feel bonded and recognized. It can also make you feel worthless, as you think your cat finds you less lovable.”

Kalia Hattis, therapist and owner of Pacific Coast Therapy, agrees: “You feel the trigger because you have poured effort into looking after the cat but you have not got the reciprocal love and the dissonance of putting in effort and not getting a response leads to the underlying wound of loving but not being loved.” 

But feelings are not facts and it’s important not to let your feelings take over and damage your relationship with either your cat or the other person (or people) in your cat’s life.

“Instead of seeing your partner (or whoever it may be) as a competitor for your cat’s love, see and respect that your cat’s circle of love is expanding,” Plonchak says. That’s a good thing, and you can actually use it to your advantage by engaging in activities as a threesome. “Try interactive play with a feather wand or rotating who gives treats during training,” Hattis says. “This turns competition into engagement, so the cat can not only connect with you but also with the two of you, together.”

Try to focus less on your cat’s relationship with this other person and more on unique moments and interactions between the two of you. These interactions might seem small or insignificant compared to their interactions with someone else in your home, but if you nurture them properly, they will grow.

And if you are the one who is favored by a cat and you see that it is upsetting to someone else in your home, talk to them about it. Incorporate them into your activities with the cat where you can. 

Whatever you do, don’t reject the cat in a well-meaning but misguided attempt to compel them into the arms of another person. My mother did this with my cat Fremont. When he started to show a preference for her over me, she neglected him so I wouldn’t get jealous and would still think of him as mine. But it would have been better if she had taken time to show me how to interact with him in more productive ways and spent time with us together, which I don’t think we ever did.

And as a result, I think Fremont was probably lonelier and more bored than he needed to be. If I could go back in time, I would tell my mother to shower Fremont with all the affection she wanted and I would tell my younger self to do the same and let the chips fall where they may. After all, cats have so little agency in their short lives. It’s cruel to deny them love and affection unless it comes from one specific person. And the truth is we love them so much more and owe them so much better than that.