Does Your Cat Know How Much You Love Them?

I don’t know about you, but the very thought of this question is enough to make my eyes immediately fill with tears. That’s because the idea that my cats — especially my most recently departed kitties, Pumpkin and Bear, whom I loved so much that just thinking about them now makes my heart feel like a freshly pitted peach — might not have known how much I cared for them.

The thought is so terrible, so tragic, that I can barely stand to consider it. But consider it I must. I believe that in order to truly love something, whatever or whomever it may be, you must be willing to see that thing or being for what it is and love them all the same. This is true even if your feelings aren’t completely reciprocated (or expressed in the same way you dole out yours).

Get 20% off 
PrettyLitter, just for our kin

Save on the litter with color-changing tech that helps you better care for your cat.

Get Your Coupon

So, do our cats understand the depths of our affection for them? Well, first we have to consider what love actually means to a cat. Is it something they are even capable of feeling or just something we project onto them for our own comfort?

Do cats really feel the love?

“It’s really hard to know if cats experience the equivalent of what we’d call love, because we can’t ask them directly to describe their emotions,” says Joey Lusvardi, certified cat behavior consultant at Class Act Cats in Minneapolis. “All we can do is observe their behavior. Based on that, we do see cats acting in ways that are associated with positive emotional states. But whether or not they experience love in exactly the same way we do, we cannot say. Although, at a minimum, they seem to show that they feel some variation of it.”

If that isn’t the resounding “love is love” you were hoping for, trust me, I sympathize. But then, what even is love, really? It’s both common and extraordinary. It’s something deeply felt but also hard to describe. And there are lots of different types of love: romantic love, platonic love, familial love. At their core, love of every type is about attachment — feelings of calm, comfort, and security when you are together and anxiety and longing when you are apart.

In that sense, it certainly seems that cats do experience the L-word (the feeling, not the early aughts Showtime series). “Cats can definitely recognize another being as a source of comfort, positive emotions, and, let’s be honest, snacks,” Lusvardi says. “And they also feel discomfort or stress when the source of that attachment is not there.”

And what does affection feel like to them, anyway?

But what exactly is the nature of the love our cats feel for us? Is it the same as, say, what they might feel for another cat? “Yes and no,” Lusvardi adds. “Cats may display some similar behaviors toward humans as toward other cats, but it’s not exactly the same. I think of it like the difference between the love you feel for a romantic partner and the love you feel for a parent. Both types of love bring extreme feelings of joy and despair, but there’s a different quality to them, and you get different needs met from each individual, even if there is some overlap.”

This should make sense to anyone who has ever had more than one cat at a time. When I had Pumpkin and Bear, one of my favorite things to do was to watch them interact without me. The way they played together was different from the way they played with me. The way they cuddled and expressed upset was different, too. They groomed and chased each other and wrestled over the patch of morning sunlight as it moved across the living room rug.

They had a way of being together that was both mysterious and beautiful to me; it was something I knew I could never share. And yet, I always felt by a deep attachment with them, from the day I brought them home. They followed me around, cuddled and played with me, and let me trim their nails and brush their fur. They came when I called their names and, once, when I was sitting on my bed, crying, they got up on either side of me and touched my cheeks with their paws, which certainly felt like love to me.

And how do they show their love in return?

“Cats will often show affection by initiating contact and being in proximity to humans they love,” Lusvardi weighs in. “This will be seen especially when the human isn’t providing something like food, because the cat still wants to spend time with them. They’re seeking something different. It will also show up in the form of trust, like when a cat only lets one person clip their nails.”

Cats can also express their love for us in negative ways. “For instance, you may see a cat display signs of stress, such as peeing outside the litter box when their humans go on vacation,” Lusvardi adds. “That’s not exactly a behavior most people think of as a sign of love, but it kind of is!” 

Cats also sometimes do what’s known as associative marking, when they pee on or otherwise scent-mark something you take with you out of the home — like a suitcase, a jacket, or a pair of shoes — in an attempt to strengthen their bond with you. The fact that you most likely find this behavior annoying and destructive rather than endearing is neither here nor there. Bottom line: There are lots of ways cats can demonstrate their attachment to us. And if attachment is the root of love, then, we can at least be assured that our cats feel something like love for us. 

But that still leaves the question of whether or not they know how much we care for them. Do they? Do they really? Well, if we can judge their love for us by the way they behave towards us, by the way they cuddle us or play with us or trust us to touch their tummies and paws, then it seems reasonable to think that they know we are safe. And to be safe is to be loved, right? And if we want to make sure they know how we feel, at least to the best of our ability, then we need to show them.

Exactly how best to do that varies from cat to cat. “Some cats like to play, while others prefer snuggles,” Lusvardi says. “Getting to know your cat and what they like and prefer will help you show love to them. Giving them control over interactions and respecting when they, as an example, may not want to be touched is a great way of showing them that you care.”

He adds that you can show this in really simple ways, like taking the time to keep them from being stressed when you’re putting them in their carrier or giving them meds: “Rather than forcing your cat to do something, work with them so they’ll have minimal stress. It’s a very kind thing to do!”

Of course, nothing you do or say will probably ever be enough to truly express the depths of your emotions to your cat, but that’s sort of the beauty of love. It is so much bigger and richer than can ever be communicated.

And that’s OK. Even if love is unknowable, it flows and enriches everything and everyone it touches. And I know that’s sappy as hell, but I can’t help it! I miss my babies, and I love them so much and thinking about all of this is making me schmaltzy as hell. So quickly now, before it’s too late: Go find your cat and do something to show them just how much you care about them. It will only ever be the tip of the iceberg of your devotion, but that’s enough.