Rescue Dog Rescue With Tom Holland: Superhero Edition

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TRANSCRIPT

>> STEPHEN: I DON'T CARE HOW MANY SPONSORS I'M GOING TO LOSE FOR SAYING THIS, BUT I LIKE PUPPIES. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I'M SORRY, I. DO TAKE ME AWAY. THAT'S WHY I LOVE DOING MY SEGMENT RESCUE DOG RESCUE, WHERE A CELEBRITY JOINS ME TO TELL FLATTERING LIES ABOUT PUPPIES IN ORDER TO CONVINCE VIEWERS TO ADOPT THEM. WE'VE DONE THIS SEGMENT A FEW TIMES NOW, AND I'M PROUD TO SAY WE HAVE A PERFECT 100% ADOPTION RATE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OKAY? 100%. TAKE THAT, JOHN OLIVER! YOU MIGHT HAVE A FINE PROGRAM, BUT HOW MANY DOGS HAVE YOU LEFT HOMELESS? ( LAUGHTER ) AND WHILE IT'S USUALLY PRETTY EASY TO GET PEOPLE EXCITED ABOUT PUPPIES, THERE'S SOMETHING ELSE EVERYONE IS EVEN MORE EXCITED ABOUT RIGHT NOW: SUPERHERO MOVIES. "AVENGERS: ENDGAME" IS SHATTERING BOX OFFICE RECORDS AND NEXT WEEK IS THE RELEASE OF "SPIDER-MAN: FAR FROM HOME." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) VERY EXCITED ABOUT IT, TOO. IN THIS ONE, SPIDER-MAN GOES ON A SCHOOL TRIP TO EUROPE AND RETURNS WITH A FAKE BRITISH ACCENT. ( LAUGHTER ) SO, I THOUGHT, WHY NOT COMBINE PUPPIES AND SUPER HEROES FOR A VERY SPECIAL EDITION OF RESCUE DOG RESCUE! ♪ ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WELCOME TO RESCUE DOG RESCUE: SUPER HERO EDITION. YOU KNOW OUR MOTTO, WITH GREAT PAW-ER COMES "GREAT DANE" SPONSIBILITY. ( LAUGHTER ) NOW IF ONLY THERE WAS A CELEBRITY WILLING TO USE THEIR POWERS TO GET THESE DOGS ADOPTED. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WHAT? GOOD TO SEE YOU! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) TOM HOLLAND! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) GOOD TO HAVE YOU! >> THANK YOU, GUYS. SAY NO MORE, STEPHEN, I WILL RESCUE THESE DOGS. >> STEPHEN: SPIDER-MAN HIMSELF, TOM HOLLAND! >> THAT'S RIGHT, STEPHEN. ALWAYS REMEMBER, CELEBRITIES ARE THE REAL SUPER HEREOS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: THAT'S TRUE TOM. AND THAT IS THE FAKE ACCENT I WAS TALKING ABOUT. THANK YOU. >> ALL RIGHT, SORRY, SORRY. EXCUSE ME. >> Stephen: BEFORE WE GET STARTED TONIGHT, FOLKS, A QUICK REMINDER: ALL THE PUPPIES WE HAVE HERE TONIGHT ARE ACTUAL ADOPTABLE DOGS FROM NORTH SHORE ANIMAL LEAGUE AMERICA. THEY'RE ALL FANTASTIC. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT TO MAKE THEM EVEN MORE APPEALING, WE ARE ABOUT TO TELL FLATTERING LIES ABOUT THEM. >> I'M READY. >> Stephen: I'LL GO FIRST. ( AUDIENCE REACTS ) THIS IS SPIDER-PUP. ( LAUGHTER ) THERE YOU GO. LIKE SPIDER-MAN, SPIDER-PUP HAS A SPIDEY SENSE, BUT INSTEAD OF DANGER, HE SENSES THUNDER, AND INSTEAD OF SENSING IT BEFORE THE THUNDER HAPPENS, HE SENSES IT RIGHT AFTER, AND INSTEAD OF RESPONDING BRAVELY TO THE THUNDER, HE GETS SUPER SCARED AND NEEDS TO BE CUDDLED. ( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> Jon: WELL DONE, WELL DONE! COME HERE, MATEY! HERE WE GO! ( AUDIENCE REACTS ) ( LAUGHTER ) >> THIS IS MY FRIEND J. BONE-AH JAMISON, A VETERAN JOURNALIST AND A REAL OLD-FASHIONED NEWSHOUND. HE CAN SNIFF OUT ANY STORY, AS LONG AS THAT STORY IS LOCATED IN ANOTHER DOG'S BUTT. ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: OH, THIS LITTLE FELLOW HERE, THIS IS BLACK WIDDLE. SHE'S NOT JUST ADORABLE, SHE'S THE WORLD'S DEADLIEST ASSASSIN ( LAUGHTER ) JUST KIDDING. ( LAUGHTER ) >> HEY, BUDDY! HELLO, HELLO! ( AUDIENCE REACTS ) I KNOW, I KNOW, IT'S KILLING ME. THIS IS PETER BARKER. HE MAY LOOK LIKE AN ORDINARY DACHSHUND, BUT HE ACTUALLY GAINED SUPER POWERS AFTER BEING BITEN BY A GENETICALLY-MODIFIED SCHNAUZER. THAT'S RIGHT, HE'S A DOG THAT HAS GAINED THE ABILITIES OF A DIFFERENT KIND OF DOG. THAT'S WHY HIS SUPER HERO NAME IS "DOG-DOG." ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HERE YOU GO, BUDDY! OH, NO! >> STEPHEN: THIS LITTLE SOLDIER IS CAPTAIN AMERICUDDLES. ( AUDIENCE REACTS ) CAP HERE WAS PART OF A SUPER-SECRET MISSION IN THE '40S TO PEE ON HITLER'S LEG. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> COME HERE, MATE! WOW. ( LAUGHTER ) I THINK YOU CAN GUESS WHO THIS IS. THIS IS NICK FURRY. HE MAY BE GRIZZLED, BUT UNDERNEATH IT ALL, HE HAS A CARING SOUL. PLUS, RIGHT WHEN YOU THINK YOUR WALK WITH NICK IS OVER, HE SURPRISES YOU WITH A FUN POST-WALK SCENE WHERE HE TELLS YOU HE'S PUTTING TOGETHER A SPECIAL TEAM. THAT SPECIAL TEAM'S MISSION? GO ON ANOTHER WALK. THANK YOU, MATE. >> Stephen: THAT DOES IT FOR "RESCUE DOG RESCUE -- SUPER HERO EDITION." HEAD TO THE LATE SHOW'S WEBSITE COLBERTLATESHOW.COM FOR INFO ON HOW TO ADOPT THESE DOGS FROM NORTH SHORE ANIMAL LEAGUE AMERICA. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH TOM HOLLAND!