Don’t Pet My Dog: A Guide For People Pleasers

I’m sure you’ve all been there. You’re out for a walk, lead in hand, enjoying a moment of calm. Then it happens. Someone spots your dog and you can see them making a beeline towards you. “Oh they’re so cute… can I say hello?”

You pause. Your dog hesitates. And there’s probably a little awkward silence as you think how to respond. Will your dog be OK with this interaction? Is it OK to say no? Can I just... run away?! And perhaps while you’re thinking, the well-meaning human has already started leaning in towards your dog.

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If this feels familiar to you, you’re definitely not alone. For many of us dog people (who are both guardians and dog lovers) we understand why the person would want to say hello to your dog. Responding to the request is a different matter though. Deciding how to reply can be tricky, especially if you have a dog who finds the world overwhelming. Now, add in the fact that you might be a polite, conflict-avoidant, people-pleaser and suddenly this undesirable request creates a real internal conflict – social pressure at its worst!

Should I let strangers stroke my dog?

So, let’s first talk about whether or not actually letting strangers stroke your dog is a good idea in the first place.

The truth is: there’s not really one universal rule here. Some dogs really enjoy meeting new people (or dogs). Some will simply tolerate it; not enjoying the process but getting through it. And some will find it stressful or even scary. In fact, even the most social of dogs might have the odd ‘off’ day, when they’re not in the mood for socialising. And really, the problem isn’t that interactions with strangers exist – it’s that we often feel we have to default to saying “yes” to them greeting your dog, without checking in with the one individual who actually matters most in the situation: your dog.

A friendly dog is not automatically a dog who wants to be touched by everyone. Many dogs have learned that when a human reaches for them, the simplest option is to stand still and wait it out. That stillness is often mistaken as them calmly enjoying the interaction, but in reality it could be them displaying a ‘freeze’ response which is actually a conflicted emotional state. 

In most situations, dogs who truly want to interact make it obvious. They will move towards the new person of their own accord, they’ll be relaxed in their body language with a soft face, relaxed tail and a loose body. They will both engage with the person and disengage easily, without frustration or conflict being apparent. They will naturally move off to explore the environment once the greeting is over and you might feel that there’s a sense of choice in their movement. Of course, we must be aware that when a dog is restricted by a lead when a new person’s hands reach for them, it might become harder to tell whether consent is actually present.

Forcing unwanted social situations on your dog

If too many forced social interactions are endured, a dog who once seemed relaxed and friendly may begin barking at people, avoiding them, or reacting seemingly ‘out of nowhere’. This can be as a result of a dog learning that their boundaries don’t matter, and that the only way to create space is to escalate their response. Knowing that over time, too many unmanaged stranger interactions can change how your dog feels about the world, can really shift how you deal with the potential interactions in the future. You can see yourself now as your dog’s emotional bodyguard; their protector and voice as their body language often goes unheard.

Saying “no” to strangers who want to pet your dog

Which brings us to the hardest part for many people: saying “no”.

First off, please know that it’s absolutely OK to say “no” to someone who wants to interact with your dog. And you really don’t have to justify yourself either – blaming the dog’s history, labelling them as aggressive, explaining their whole medical history etc. Wanting to protect your dog’s emotional and physical well-being is enough.

Of course, easier said than done. And when the well-meaning stranger really wants to say “hi” to your dog and comes up with all the reasons why they should, including that common phrase “all dogs love me”, it can be hard to just say “no”. So it can be useful to have a few gentle, practiced phrases that can make the moment less awkward.

• “Thanks for asking but she’s not up for strokes today”.

• “He’s a little scared, so could you throw this treat to him instead”.

Setting a clear boundary like this can avoid the other person debating with you how much you really should be letting them stroke your dog. 

Mentioning training or needing space for medical reasons can help if you’re more comfortable deflecting than outright refusing. You might also dress your dog with a yellow vest or use a “my dog needs space” lead from My Anxious Dog, which you can point at to reconfirm your stance visually. And then – this is important – simply move on. Don’t linger. Staying to chat further can increase the chances of your dog feeling uncomfortable or the other person thinking that you’ve relaxed your stance and swooping in for a stroke. Remember you’re your dog’s bodyguard, and you want them out of the danger zone as quick as possible. 

Keeping your dog safe with strangers

Now, if, on the flip side, if you think your dog’s up for this social encounter you can say “yes”, but remember you’re still in charge of how that interaction unfolds. Of course, not all stranger interactions are going to be bad. For dogs who genuinely enjoy people, calm greetings can be enriching and fun. But that’s only the case when the interaction is on the dog’s terms and carefully supported by you, their human.

Appropriate dog-human greetings are short and dog-led. Ask the other person to wait for your dog to approach rather than approaching them. Carefully watch your dog’s body language instead of looking up to the person’s face. End the interaction early, after a few seconds, before your dog feels the need to do it themselves, calling them to you for a treat. Then, once they’ve eaten the treat they can choose whether to go back to their new ‘friend’ or instead, shake-off that slightly stressful interaction and move on with the rest of their walk.

If your dog does tend to draw a lot of attention – especially if it’s from young children – aim to keep a balance in your week of walks, even if they do enjoy new social experiences. While you don’t want to shy away from the world all the time, having at least one or two days a week where you choose walking routes with more space and fewer people around will allow you both a bit of a break from feeling that people pleasing need creep in. 

The bottom line

And, please, remember this. It might sound blunt, but you are not responsible for the stranger’s joy or emotional needs. Your dog isn’t there with the sole job of pleasing humans. And you are definitely not rude for prioritising your dog’s well-being over a one-off social expectation. In fact, you’re just being the best guardian your dog could ever ask for.

While learning to say “no” for your dog can be especially challenging if you’re used to saying “yes”, advocacy is a skill and, like any skill, it gets easier with practice. Each time you listen to your dog’s body language signals and act on them, you’re building trust. Each time you choose your dog over other’s expectations, you’re letting them know that you’re paying attention and you have their back. And that dog-human trust is far more important than being liked by a stranger you might never see again.

So, the next time someone asks to pet your dog, take a breath. Look at your dog. Check in with yourself. And remember: you’re allowed to choose what’s best for the one at the end of the leash.