How to Say Sorry So Your Dog Actually Gets It

Are you even a pet parent if you’ve never accidentally stood on your dog’s tail, then smothered them with love to apologise for it? As a single mum of two dogs I sometimes find it quite overwhelming trying to keep them both alive, and I was once so shaken after one of my dogs got into a fight that I yelled at him when we got home. He looked so scared of me that I instantly forced him into a cuddle, begging him for forgiveness through streams of tears and snot. Needless to say, my apology did more harm than good as he looked even more unsettled and couldn’t wait to get out of my grip. 

From accidentally waking them up with our farts (a hilariously common occurrence among the pet parents I spoke to), to forgetting to feed them or snapping at them – what’s the best way to say sorry to a dog who we’ve wronged? Do they even understand apologies or are we taking anthropomorphism too far? I spoke to the experts to find out. 

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Do dogs understand apologies?

Let’s start with why we even feel the need to apologise in the first place. It’s all about our need for connection, so says licensed marriage and family therapist, Christopher Pollock. “Apologies are an acknowledgment to others, including pets, that the actions we’ve taken or words we’ve spoken have harmed others,” he says. “Those apologies are directed by our deep desire for connection and attachment. When we apologise, it’s because we fear attachment breaks and are aiming to repair those breaks to ensure that the relationship continues and we’re not abandoned.” Makes sense. But do dogs work in the same way?

While dogs don’t understand the words we’re saying, we do know that they can read social cues, like our facial expressions and tone of voice. However, does that translate to them knowing when we’re saying sorry? Yes and no, says canine behaviour consultant and dog trainer, Julia Hawkins, from All to Play For and Barking up the Right Tree. 

“Dogs don’t really have a moral compass,” Hawkins explains. “So they don't understand the concept of ‘sorry’, but they do understand when you’re no longer a threat. So, if you tell your dog off – and let's face it, everybody does it – they see you as a threat. Their safe person has suddenly become a threat, but they will be able to understand when you stop becoming a threat and start feeling safe again; when you come back to your predictable, kind, normal self.”

Timing is also crucial – just how my dog didn’t understand why I was yelling at him when we got back from our stressful walk, your dog won’t appreciate an apology unless it happens right after you messed up. “This is when apologising is most effective as it helps a dog to understand that the harsh words or accidental knocks are not something that will happen all the time,” explains dog trainer Joe Nutkins.

How do we know if a dog requires an apology from us?

Nutkins says that while some dogs are tough and won’t be injured by our clumsy mistake of catching their snoot in a cupboard, they might still be surprised by the incident, which would still warrant an apology. 

“This can be seen by a change in their facial expression or in how they stand or move,” she explains. “For example, their face may show big, wide eyes or lower held ears – I have a dog who pushes her lower lip out like a pout! Alternatively, dogs may stand completely still, lower their whole head or jump backwards out of the way.”

What’s the best way to apologise to a dog?

So we’ve established that our dog requires an apology – what next? In my years of muddling along as a first-time dog mum, I’ve learned that regulating my emotions is the first step. My small dog Lucy will sneak under my feet whenever I’m in the kitchen, hoping for a snack to fall from the sky, which often results in me accidentally kicking her. She has delicate back legs because of a previous injury, so in my panic that I’ve hurt her I instinctively emit a high-pitched, “Oh my God, I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry!”, which freaks her out more than being tripped over. This is why Hawkins’ dog apology protocol begins with a whole lot of calm.

Pause and de-escalate

“Stop the irate interaction and give the dog a bit of space,” Hawkins advises. “You can also do calming signals; things like turning your head or body sideways, a soft gaze, yawning, lowering your posture. You could even try laying on the floor.”  

Give your dog control

As much as we want to get all up in our dog’s business and prove our love to them, Hawkins tells me that it’s important to let them choose if they want to come to us. If they don’t? Give them space and give them time.

Keep things positive 

Once your dog has decided to approach you, keep things soft and gentle. “Have a calm voice and body, and be relaxed,” says Hawkins. “Sometimes pairing with a positive outcome like food or play can help, but be careful – only do this if the dog initiates it.

Re-introduce touch slowly

Hawkins says to only touch your dog once you’ve sat with them calmly for a while. If they approach you, then you can test the waters. She suggests stroking them for three seconds and seeing if they move away: “Always give them those choices. I wouldn't want to crowd them, because they don’t know the difference between intentional harm and unintentional harm. Give them space if they need it.”

It’s also important to mind our body language – standing over your dog and staring at them tearfully? That’s a big no. “Never stare a dog out,” warns dog trainer James Hare. “Dogs find it threatening when eye contact becomes a solid stare. If they’re already feeling fearful, dogs can then feel threatened if someone’s standing over them.”

Do different ‘wrongs’ require different apologies?

According to Nutkins, we should grade different situations with different types of apologies. A low-level apology would be for when they don’t even understand an apology is happening, like when you take them to their favourite bakery and it’s closed. This involves chatting to them and giving them a fuss. “If I were to catch one of my dogs as I step over them, that’s a medium apology,” she says. “This involves getting down to them and stroking them where they like it most, if they’re open to it.” As for scolding them harshly for barking too much or rolling in poo? That’s a top-level apology, where you can apply the above protocol.

How do we know if a dog has accepted an apology?

Every dog is different, so it’s all about knowing what body language is normal for your dog, says Hare. “Dogs do talk, but only to those who listen,” he explains. “If our dog gets up and walks away we respect this as they want space. Watch the ear position, tail position and wag, along with the eyes and head tilts and turns – these are all subtle signs that people should be aware of when it comes to being close to their dog.” If your dog seems relaxed and normal? Apology accepted.

Just be aware that this could take some time, depending on the situation. When I lost my temper with my dog for getting into a fight, it took a few days to repair our relationship, and my dog only started to relax when I did. I was so upset with myself that I was acting weird around him, and he was likely unsettled because he could smell I was stressed. As Hawkins reiterates, the rebuilding of trust needs to come from consistency, predictability and a feeling of safety: “Think of it almost like a bank account – anytime you do something like shout at them, you’re withdrawing. You’ve got to put quite a bit back in again to build that back up again.” 

References

• Albuquerque, Natalia, et al. “Mouth-licking by Dogs as a Response to Emotional Stimuli.” Behavioural Processes, vol. 146, Nov. 2017, pp. 42–45.

• Parr-Cortes, Z., et al. “The Odour of an Unfamiliar Stressed or Relaxed Person Affects Dogs’ Responses to a Cognitive Bias Test.” Scientific Reports, vol. 14, no. 1, July 2024.